DES: Hi there.
MAD: Well, hello.
DES: What’s good with you?
MAD: Oh this and that.
DES: That and this?
MAD: Sure.
DES: I came from down the lane.
MAD: Did I ask you where you came from? Clearly you came from down the lane.
DES: I was just trying to be polite.
MAD: Civil?
DES: Yes.
MAD: I hate when you try to be friendly.
DES: I don’t try to be friendly.
MAD: You do. You always try to be friendly.
DES: And you always try to be argumentative.
MAD: I do not!
DES: See?
MAD: Oh what’s the point?
DES: Love.
MAD: We were out of bounds on love a long time ago.
DES: But we can always start again.
MAD: Hi.
DES: Hi.
MAD: Why do you love me?
DES: You’re ruggedly good-looking.
MAD: Oh?
DES: And you make me laugh.
MAD: Truly?
DES: Deeply.
MAD: Then why do we part?
DES: I need space.
MAD: Space?
DES: Yes. Space.
MAD: Space.
DES: Space.
MAD: Why?
DES: To be myself.
MAD: So you are not yourself when you are with me?
DES: Not entirely.
MAD: That’s too bad.
DES: No. It isn’t.
MAD: Well, it makes me sad.
DES: Silly.
MAD: Why?
DES: A person can only be their true self when they are alone.
MAD: I do not agree.
DES: To each his own.
MAD: I missed you.
DES: I know.
MAD: Kiss me?
DES: Better?
MAD: No.
DES: Well what would make you better.
MAD: Des, I’m tired.
DES: You should sleep.
MAD: Yes.
DES: Here. Put your head on my lap and close your eyes. I’ll sing you a lullaby.
MAD: Ok.
DES: La Da Dee La Da Doo I love you You love me. La Da Dee La Da Doo Hushabye baby blue.
Now you sleep. Now you dream. Now the world is better than it seems. (MADOG sleeps) Oh Mad, I want to share my soul with you but I’m frightened. I’m frightened that you won’t love me if you see all of me but if I do not share my soul with you then I feel as if I would ever be false with you and I don’t want that. You don’t want that either. Oh what a muddle!
MAD: Yawn.
DES: Better?
MAD: Much?
DES: What shall we do?
MAD: Sex?
DES: It would be improper.
MAD: Voyeurism can be quite sexy.
DES: To you maybe.
MAD: Please?
DES: No?
MAD: When?
DES: When I’m ready.
MAD: When will that be?
DES: I do not know.
MAD: I’m bored.
DES: I know. We could fight!
MAD: You told me you do not like when I’m argumentative.
DES: I never said I did not like it. I was just stating truth.
MAD: You are –
DES: Yes?
MAD: Well…
DES: Yes?
MAD: Fickle.
DES: I am!
MAD: And a cock-tease!
DES: Truly?
MAD: You are.
DES: No I’m not.
MAD: Malignant tumor that grows inside my guts that I cannot excise.
DES: Well, that’s mean.
MAD: You said you wanted to fight.
DES: But not if you were going to hurt my feelings.
MAD: That’s not in the rule book.
DES: Mad?
MAD: Yes?
DES: I want to love you but you make it so hard. So very hard.
MAD: Sigh. I know.
DES: You do?
MAD: Sure. I find it hard to love me too.
DES: If you cannot love yourself how are you going to love anyone else.
MAD: A hackneyed cliche!
DES: I’ll remove it straight away.
MAD: Yes. You only want to fight with me to be friendly.
DES: Maybe. Sing with me?
MAD: No.
DES: No!
MAD: No.
DES: No!
MAD: Stop mocking me.
DES: Are we having a good fight yet?
MAD: Hardly.
DES: I do love you.
MAD: Really?
DES: I do.
MAD: Come here.
DES: No.
MAD: Come here.
DES: I won’t.
MAD: I want to embrace you.
DES: Your embraces lead to foul play.
MAD: You like it.
DES: I do not.
MAD: Don’t you trust me? How can you love me if you don’t trust me.
DES: I want to trust you. I want to love you.
MAD: Ah truth.
DES: Yes. Mad at me?
MAD: How could I be? Truth is as truth does.
DES: When did we fall in love?
MAD: When did we fall out of love?
DES: In love! In love!
MAD: Did we?
DES: The origins of a dysfunctional relationship.
MAD: And still every day you come down the lane to greet me.
DES: I’m a masochist.
MAD: Des?
DES: Yes?
MAD: Let’s start again.
DES: From the beginning?
MAD: Yes.
DES: Hi there.
MAD: Hi.
DES: What’s your name?
MAD: Madog.
DES: That’s a neat name.
MAD: What’s yours?
DES: I’m Des. Pleased to meet you.
MAD: What do you do Des?
DES: I play the fiddle.
MAD: Really?
DES: I teach nursery school.
MAD: Truly?
DES: I’m a playwright.
MAD: I do not believe you.
DES: I do nothing. I survive. I sing songs. I fall in love. I write funny poems. Sometimes they are published. What do you do?
MAD: I produce theater.
DES: Oh.
MAD: I market drugs.
DES: Oh.
MAD: I act.
DES: You lie.
MAD: Lying is in the eye of the beholder.
DES: Is it now?
MAD: I used to think I would do something great in the world but that’s all gone now.
DES: For me too. It’s all over.
MAD: Do you wander aimlessly?
DES: Yes. I wander this way and that way and all around the town and down the lane.
MAD: Me too.
DES: I like to fall in love.
MAD: I hate it.
DES: I know.
MAD: Yes.
DES: Are you in love with me?
MAD: I thought so but now I do not know. Do you take drugs?
DES: I stopped.
MAD: Are you lying?
DES: No.
MAD: You are not lying?
DES: No. You don’t trust me.
MAD: No.
DES: How can you love me if you don’t trust me?
MAD: It would be better if we parted ways.
DES: Yes.
MAD: Let’s part.
DES: I’m leaving.
MAD: Goodbye.
DES: See you in Never Neverland.
MAD: Not if I see you first.
DES: Oh Madog! I don’t want to leave you!
MAD: Come here!
DES: Yes.
MAD: Let’s make love!
DES: Yes.
*
BLACKOUT.
sounds of “YES YES OH YES.” And grunting and moaning and orgasming.
MAD: Well, that’s out of the way.
DES: Yes.
MAD: I feel a lot better.
DES: I’m glad. Sigh.
MAD: Why? Don’t you.
DES: I’m going to take a shower. I don’t want to get a UTI.
MAD: Fine.
DES: Be right back
Exits off the stage. MADOG falls asleep.
DES: Mad!
MAD: What?
DES: You left me alone.
MAD: I was asleep.
DES: You are annoyed at me.
MAD: No.
DES: Yes.
MAD: You are so insecure.
DES: I am.
MAD: You are so needy.
DES: I am.
MAD: So clingy.
DES: Yes.
MAD: I think it would be best if I slept in my own bed.
DES: Oh.
MAD: I’ll call you.
DES: Right.
MAD: I will.
DES: Okay.
MAD: So. Bye.
MADOG leaves.
DES: Cocksucker! I never want to see you again! Never speak to me again! Madog! Madog? Mad-
BLACKOUT.